i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture
Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #Star Trek #meta #nsfw text? #this probably deserves some other warning tag but I am not sure what #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
People keep showing up uninvited to our Vampire Club and we immediately know they don’t belong, for obvious reasons
If they’re the DoorDash delivery person, I at least hope y’all give them a good tip. /joking
Look, we’re vampires. We don’t eat. If we’re doordashing to a vampire club meeting, it’s so we can feed on the delivery guy.
And that’s a terrible idea, which is one of the reasons we have to have regular vampire club meetings. You can’t just eat delivery drivers, especially not ones you ordered to your own house, damn it!
There’s way too much of a paper trail. These drivers are GPS tracked and everything. You’re basically telling the police exactly when and where your snack went missing. You don’t think they’ll figure out you’re involved and start asking questions?
This is an important thing to teach old vampires because so many of us have been hanging out since the 1750s and don’t really understand this newfangled tech. And while it’s relatively easy to teach an old dog a new trick (like ordering stuff on a smartphone), the problem is that they don’t fully understand how it works. It’s basically magic to them. So they’ll just get themselves in trouble. Thus the whole “don’t DoorDash a victim to your house!” talk I give at all these vampire groups (ideally each vampire community should have their own tech guy, but wouldn’t you know it, a bunch of immortals are vaguely conservative in their ways and haven’t gotten with the program and turned some IT tech at the local call center… So I have to travel a lot)
And no, Orlop*, for the last time: using dating apps is not the Modern Vampire Lifehack you think it is either. There’s a paper trail again. Your virgin meal’s roommate is just gonna call the cops and go “my roommate went on a date and hadn’t been back in a week” and they’ll get grindr to give them the records and it’ll lead them right to LestatDaddy69.
Besides, your bewitching aura doesn’t work over an app, so you can’t exactly mesmerize them into coming home with you. Plus you can’t fill your profile with sexy selfies if YOU DON’T SHOW UP ON CAMERAS.
Anyway the current times are tough on vampires. They’re used to having a lot of their meals basically fall into their open mouths, but situations have changed. If some poor soul has their car break down outside your creepy mansion, they’re not gonna come inside and ask to stay the night or use your phone, they’re gonna call AAA or use an app to summon an Uber.
And no one is doing door to door salesman shit anymore, they’ll just spam your Hotmail address.
So vamps are getting desperate, and this is leading many of them to get sloppy and do foolish things. Which is exactly the opposites of how vampires need to act: we are immortals and need to look at the long game. Let humans do short-sighted things, we gotta think about what we’ll be doing in 200 years. And from that perspective, the absolute last thing we need to do is get a bunch of vamps caught by the cops and end up triggering another big anti-vampire crusade. Do you want another Svalbard Incident? Because I sure as fuck don’t!
The average batfuck can’t even imagine how bad it would be if we got the government on our asses. Do you know how easy it would be to figure out half the vamps in the country if they started doing metadata analysis specifically to look for us? Hell, census records alone would give you a bunch of vamps just because of how lazy ya’ll have been with hiding the fact that you’ve owned the same moldy mansion since before the revolutionary war.
This is the kind of shit I have to deal with all the time. These bloodsuckers who are so arrogant because they’ve been living large for a couple hundred years and don’t seem to realize what I’m telling them: the hemotypicals have them outnumbered a million to one and they have computers now. You can’t keep acting like this is still the depression era when you could grab some worker off the street and have no one notice or care that they went missing. You are going to get your undead ass killed, and more importantly, get the rest of us killed too.
Gah. At least I don’t have to teach them how to us windows 98 anymore. Thank fuck for the user friendliness of iPhones.
* editors note: the Orlop deck is part of wooden sailing ships. Vamp!Foone probably meant (Count) Orlok, the antagonist of the 1922 German expressionist film Nosferatu – Eine Symphonie des Grauens)
Tags:
#storytime #vampires #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #embarrassment squick? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
(Update: it looks like ArchiveTeam was using grab-site or some other form of wpull, not wget.)
Tags:
#reply via reblog #oh look an update #Tumblr: a User’s Guide #amnesia cw? #…aaand lizardywizard isn’t following me on Tumblr and will not be notified that I reblogged this post #I guess I’d better PM them on Dreamwidth or something and let them know
“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
An actual World Heritage Post
how does this post not have a million notes but anyone online can quote it
one week until ten years of Spiders Georg
Tags:
#that one post with the thing #Spiders Georg #Tumblr: a User’s Guide #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
ate 15c., in chess, “to attack the king; to put (the opponent’s king) in check;” earlier (late 14c.) in a figurative sense, “to stop, arrest; block, barricade;” from check (n.1) or Old French eschequier, from the noun in French. A player in chess limits his opponent’s ability to move when he places his opponent’s king in check.
The other senses seem all to have developed from the chess sense, or from the noun: “To arrest, stop,” then “to hold in restraint” (1620s); “to hold up or control” (an assertion, a person, etc.) by comparison with some authority or record (1690s); of baggage, etc., “to hand over in return for a check that serves as a means of identifying” (1846); “to note with a mark as having been examined, etc., mark off from a list” (1928).
Hence, to check off (1839); to check up (1883); to check in or out (in a hotel, of a library book, etc., 1909). To check out (something) “to look at, investigate” is from 1959
check (n.1)
c. 1300, in chess, “a call noting one’s move has placed his opponent’s king (or another major piece) in immediate peril,” from Old French eschequier “a check at chess” (also “chess board, chess set”), from eschec “the game of chess; chessboard; check; checkmate,” from Vulgar Latin *scaccus, from Arabic shah, from Persian shah “king,” the principal piece in a chess game (see shah; also compare checkmate (n.)). Also c. 1300 in a generalized sense, “harmful incident or event, hostile environment.”
As “an exposure of the king to a direct attack from an opposing piece” early 15c. When his king is in check, a player’s choices are severely limited. From that notion come the many extended senses: From the notion of “a sudden stoppage, hindrance, restraint” (1510s) comes that of “act or means of checking or restraining,” also “means of detecting or exposing or preventing error; a check against forgery or alteration.”
Hence: “a counter-register as a token of ownership used to check against, and prevent, loss or theft” (as in hat check, etc.), 1812. Hence also the financial use for “written order for money drawn on a bank, money draft” (1798, often spelled cheque), which was probably influenced by exchequer. Hence also “mark put against names or items on a list indicating they have been verified or otherwise examined” (by 1856).
think i may have already posted this but its so strange that “check” as in “examine” comes from check in chess
Tags:
#what *are* words? we just don’t know #language #history #the more you know #chess #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #amnesia cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
When I return a library book, I make sure to walk there holding it in my hands instead of in my bag. This is enrichment before it gets returned to the cold limbo of the stacks
omg I didn’t realize that
Thank you to all the librarians and library workers chiming in:
#libraries #adorable #anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #(”this is why you should never get only one book”) #unreality cw #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
i love the french, i love the way they pronounce Rs like they’re disgusted with them
the english meanwhile seem to have developed some sort of phobia about them
When we were discussing the surgery I’d need for my sleep apnea, the surgeon told me I’d never be able to speak French properly because the French R is a uvular sound and I’d no longer have a uvula.
… that’s okay? I’m not French? I don’t speak French? I’ve always thought it was the weirdest thing for him to say!
Huh. Didn’t know you could have French surgically removed.
sorry i just cannot get this out of my head. Like, “oh you speak french? i hear there’s an operation for that”
Tags:
#anything that makes me laugh this much deserves a reblog #language #this probably deserves some warning tag but I am not sure what #medical cw? #injury cw? #this post was queued because my to-reblog list is too long and I didn’t want to dump it on you all at once
Brinens and Things 